In the Garden

Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash

by Eric Boston @EricBoston3

You know those posts that start with "I don't know who this is for but..."

This is not one of those. I know exactly who this is for and it is me. Hopefully others appreciate what I pour out here, but this is my voice in the wilderness calling out to a God that I desperately need. 

Those posts that I mentioned typically have some well-intended insights or wisdom. Full transparency, I don't even have a vague idea where this is heading - let alone any true sense of purposeful impact. All I know for sure is that I have been in a season of wonder.

It is not wonder as in contemplating deep, meaningful truths or marveling at the awe-inspiring wonder of God. It is a time where I find myself, out of nowhere mostly, wondering if what I am doing is right. Am I being genuine, or am I going to be discovered as a fraud?

I was treading water for a long time.

I believed that there was this potential within me. That the things I was doing, whether it was working a job and not a career or pursuing creative outlets that I knew were not gifts, would one day steer me to the purpose that God undoubtedly had for me.

Over the past year, I believe my feet have been placed on that road that was intended for me to travel. So why do I find myself, in moments of solitude, being met with whispering thoughts of doubt? Why do I wonder if there is something I am missing?

If I truly believe that God is always refining us, why is it so hard to trust that He is simply pulling back another layer that will leave me better than I previously was?

You see, He took my wife and me through a nearly two-year training session on how to really trust Him. Financially things may not be perfect still, but on the other side were some pretty amazing things. I am in a career where I am impacting young people with unique needs and even the "hard" aspects are not anything to complain about. I have found myself in a community here in CHH where there is a sense of belonging...this after a long period where connections and friendships felt like an exercise in futility. A year and a half ago I would never have guessed that I would find myself a part of Trackstarz, let alone being part of starting something like FiveTwenty Collective.

Even so, here I am. No doubt one of those "But God" moments.

Are we meant to have these times of weakness and second-guessing so that God can reveal His strength and unwavering certainty? Maybe. After all, Jesus knew what was in the cards for him and even he pleaded for his cup to pass from him.

As a human, I am a broken mess. Perhaps because of that brokenness, there is no option except for me to be broken down periodically and be built back up.

No matter the outcome. If I never discover the ultimate answer to this conundrum, that is okay. As long as my God looks at me and knows that my heart screamed: "Thy will be done".

One thing I have noticed is the way, even though they still exist, that these undesired thoughts leave me feeling. Before they were triggers that would lead to anxiety or depression. They were something I did not want to deal with and I would lose myself in alternatives like video games, anger, and self-indulgence. Now, at the very least, I can be honest about them with myself and others. That is a big step.

We pray, we weep, and we may even sweat blood but we will not be forsaken. 

Our time in the garden is meant to prepare us for what comes next. Whether we walk out on our own or get taken out by force, we will do so with what we need for what we must face.

Hey, maybe I did have something that someone needed to hear after all.

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